Today is the first day of National Baby Loss Awareness Week and because of this I have been thinking a lot about my boy. Today is also the day that I had to say goodbye to a dear work colleague, who was taken very suddenly. So this is a very hard and emotional week for me. It has meant that I’ve taken a hard look at some things over the last few days.

I’ve been reflecting on what my son’s life could have been like if he had survived. We would probably be spending a lot of time going to and from various hospitals right now, dealing with surgeries and treatment for his heart. He could have been a very happy and healthy little boy, but we’ll never know. Our lives could be even more stressful than they are right now, so the fact that we don’t have to be dealing with multiple hospitals is probably a good thing. Going through all the ‘what ifs’ in my head for him can be comforting sometimes.

When I think about the friend that I had to say goodbye to today, I have some great memories of her. She was an amazingly selfless person. She left the store which I still work in, to go and work with adults with disabilities. She enjoyed that new job so much and was the perfect person for such a role. I do find some comfort thinking of her being at peace now, along with my boy who had his own problems. It’s almost a picture in my mind of her being there with him, to help look after him. That brings me some closure. After having said my goodbyes to her today, I have also been able to make another connection between her and my boy. She was a huge Disney lover and as such, her family picked a Disney song to be played as part of the funeral. The song they chose was from Tarzan, a song by Phil Collins called “You’ll Be In My Heart”. This song was also one of the songs that we chose for Theo’s funeral. I have those words engraved on my necklace that has his ashes in. In the moment, hearing that song took my breath away for a minute. But after reflecting on this, I realised that it’s the perfect connection between her and Theo. She would have been one of the people I would have asked for advice, had Theo survived and had I become a mother to a child with a disability. I know she would have helped me in any way she could have.

Over the last couple of weeks I have also been reflecting on possible changes relating to my work. I have had a couple of doors crack open for me, but then had them slam shut again for various reasons. If I had been able to step through those open doors and take a step onto a new path of my working life, things may have gone the way I want, but equally it may not have gone the right way. So as a way of reflection, it could be a good thing that those doors closed on me.

People often think about reflection as a way of looking back on the past, but it can also be a useful tool for looking at the future. As I look to the future of my business and of my family, I know that I will take on board a lot of advice from many different people. Reflecting on the missed opportunities I’ve had in the last couple of weeks doesn’t make me sad, it makes me wonder what else may be in store for me, for my business and for the future of my family.

For Gina xxx